Pregnancy loss is an unfortunate part of life for many people on their fertility journey. Although they’re not talked about as often as they should be, miscarriages occur in about 26% of all pregnancies. But that doesn’t make them any easier to deal with when it happens to you or a loved one.
Jump ahead to these sections:
- Is It Normal to Feel Angry After a Miscarriage?
- Tips When Feeling Angry After a Miscarriage
- Tips for Supporting a Loved One Who Feels Angry After a Miscarriage
Miscarriages, like any loss, can bring feelings of grief. Typically when you think of grief, you may think of sadness, despair, and fatigue, but those aren’t the only emotions that can come up. Another emotion you or a loved one may be feeling after a miscarriage is anger.
If you’re feeling angry after miscarriage, know that you’re not alone. We’ve got some tips to help you get through this tough time and deal with anger after a miscarriage – or help a loved one through it.
Is It Normal to Feel Angry After a Miscarriage?
Let’s make this clear – any emotion that you feel after a miscarriage is normal and okay. You are navigating so much right now: loss during a time you were probably experiencing hope and excitement; having to explain yourself to the people in your life; the physical healing after a pregnancy loss and the hormonal shifts that come with it; plus so much more.
Life can be infuriating and unfair, and it’s normal to feel anger when heartbreaking situations arise. It’s often part of the grieving process. Miscarriages can be even more complicated if you’ve had multiple pregnancy losses, have undergone fertility treatments, or have had difficulty conceiving. Although it’s often shamed or buried, anger is a normal human emotion, so of course you might feel it when you’re going through one of the hardest things someone can experience.
Tips When Feeling Angry After a Miscarriage
Coping with a miscarriage can bring up all sorts of emotions, questions, and deep feelings. You’re not the only one who's feeling this way. Anger after a miscarriage is normal, but what’s important is that you have tools to be able to deal with these feelings. We’re here to help.
Here are our top tips for dealing with anger after a miscarriage:
1. Let yourself feel it
It might be hard to hear, but sometimes the only way out is through. Some emotions need to be felt in order to be processed. There are many different flavors of anger – seething, rage, frustration, irritability. It can come in many different forms, all of which are a part of being human going through something hard.
No, we’re not saying to unleash your wrath on the world, but burying your emotions often just causes them to burn you up from the inside. Still, that can be easier said than done. Sometimes, though, it hurts to feel these emotions, and it might feel easier to bury them or pretend like they’re not there. For many people, anger is the emotion that’s hardest to express, or that they’re used to having to hide. But some forms of anger are okay.
When anger comes up, what do you do with it? There are ways you can let yourself feel it so that a little bit can be released and you’re not holding onto it anymore.
- Angry cry, let the emotions wash over you
- Punch a punching bag or pillow, or take a boxing class
- Go for a walk or do some physical activity
- Scream write in your journal (writing in big capital letters)
- Talk to a friend and just let all the words flow out of you
There are so many ways to feel and process emotions. But sometimes the most powerful ways are laying in bed and letting them wash over you.
2. Seek mental health support
We all need help from time to time, especially during something as difficult as a miscarriage. An incredible tool you can add to your belt is seeing a mental health provider like a psychologist or counselor.
Even if you have the best partner, family, and friends, it can be so helpful to have an objective view on the matter and get practical tools for dealing with your anger and other emotions. Not only that, but these are trained professionals who know exactly how to help you navigate your miscarriage in ways that your loved ones might not be able to.
Something to keep in mind when finding a therapist or counselor is that it can take time. Although it’s a client-provider relationship, it’s also an incredibly intimate one. Not every therapist is going to be the right fit for every person. This can be a frustrating reality if you’re looking for a new one while you’re already going through a tough time.
Here are some ways you can find the right therapist for you:
- Ask if they offer free phone consultations
- Read reviews in as many places as you can
- Ask friends or local support groups
- Ask your insurance provider what your options are
- Don’t be afraid to stop seeing one if it’s not working out
Most importantly, try to be open to the experience. It can be a difficult process, but one that can be monumental in helping you heal emotionally from your miscarriage.
3. Join a support group
Therapists aren’t the only outside support systems you can seek out. Another great way to navigate anger after a pregnancy loss is to join a miscarriage support group. Support groups give you the chance to connect with other people who are going through something similar to you.
Your friends and family are a great support system, but if they haven’t experienced a miscarriage themselves, then they might not understand what you’re going through or how to support you. Sometimes it just helps to have people to turn to who aren’t part of your normal life.
Joining a miscarriage support group can allow you to see that the anger you’re feeling is normal, and something that many other people feel. It can be incredibly powerful and cathartic to share your story and to hear other people’s.
4. Practice self-care
Self-care is an umbrella term for the tools you use to maintain your well-being and promote your physical, mental, and emotional health. When it comes to miscarriages, sometimes healing can just be a day-by-day matter. Self-care tools can help make the intense times a little easier, help the days go by a little smoother, and give you a way to ground yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
There’s no one way to practice self-care – anything that feels beneficial to you can be a great tool. Wondering what self-care practices might be helpful for you? Try writing a brainstorm list in your journal or phone of tools that you already use, then another list for tools you can start using. Sometimes we need a visual reminder of what our options are, especially when intense emotions come up, like anger.
Here are some self-care practices you can use:
- Go for a walk
- Take a bath
- Do a craft or art project
- Gett a massage or bodywork session
- Practice deep breathing or other breathing exercises
Self-care doesn’t have to be complicated; in fact, it shouldn’t be. What matters most is that it helps you feel better, even if it’s just a little bit.
5. Ask for help
When anger comes up, you might be tempted to suppress it, or isolate yourself. Alone time may be an important part of your healing process, but it’s equally important to know how to ask for help when you need it.
The relationships in your life, whether they be your partner, friends, or family, are a built-in support system. They want to support you in the same way you would do for them. The best relationships are the ones where you can bring every part of yourself to the table. The happiness, the wildness, the sadness, and sometimes – the anger.
Your people love you and they’re there for you to lean on. They might not know exactly what to say or how to reach out, but it’s okay to just tell them what you need. You’re not alone.
Tips for Supporting a Loved One Who Feels Angry After a Miscarriage
It can be heartbreaking to watch a loved one go through a miscarriage. You might be witnessing them go through a whirlwind of emotions, including anger. Even if it’s not directed toward you, that can be a tricky emotion to navigate.
Here are some ways you can support your loved one:
6. Give them time
Time may not heal all, but it can make things easier. They might need more alone time. They might just need a few weeks, or a few months before they’re starting to feel like themselves again.
Sometimes being a support system isn’t about fixing anything; it’s about just holding space while they go through the motions. Keep in mind that your loved one’s emotions might be even more complicated if they have had multiple miscarriages, are undergoing fertility treatments, or have had difficulty conceiving.
7. Make their life easier
When healing from a miscarriage, even the slightest things may trigger your loved one’s anger or other intense emotions. They might be more easily frustrated or overwhelmed. You can help minimize these feelings by making their life easier, even in small ways.
How do you do this?
- Cook for them or bring them take out
- Do their laundry
- Take care of their pets
- Tidy up their home
- Bring them groceries
These may seem like small things, but it can mean a world of a difference for someone who feels overwhelmed with life. Even the smallest steps can help them manage their anger a little more.
8. Be available to them
Anger often comes with waves of other emotions that may seem to come in like a storm with no warning. Your loved one might feel confused about these fluctuating emotions; it could prevent them from reaching out when they need support.
Let them know that you’re available to them no matter what they need. Whether it’s a place to vent, a shoulder to cry on, someone to make them laugh, or a space just to sit in silence together. You don’t know how much it probably means to them to have your support.
You Will Get Through This
You’re a human going through a difficult time, and anger is a normal human emotion. It’s okay to feel it and everything else you’re experiencing. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, but you’re not alone. Remember the tools and people that you have. It may be intense right now, but little by little, you will start to feel better.
- Dugas, Carla, and Valori H Slane. “Miscarriage.” Stat Pearls Publishing, 29 January 2021, Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.