21 Short, Funny Condolences Messages for a Card

Updated

Are you trying to support your loved ones with some good humor? Here's a short collection of funny condolences you can send to anyone on your list about having an illness or even after someone dies. Some are so oddball that they might just keep you in stitches. Look for a few famous quotes from Will Rogers and Mark Twain, too. 

Jump ahead to these sections:

Offering condolences doesn’t always have to take a somber tone. There are many ways to send some heartfelt joy to lift a few spirits, whether that’s sending funny get well soon messages or finding that perfect funny funeral poem

Funny Condolences for an Illness

The best way to get through a challenging illness is with great medicine and support from your friends and loved ones. After that, a little bit of humor goes a long way.

1. I feel your pain, and I’m sick of it, so please get well soon.

Though it’s a clichéd message of compassion embedded in the American vernacular, studies suggest that you actually can feel someone’s pain—or rather, smell someone’s pain. 

So, it's the perfect funny condolence for a close friend or partner who not only needs to hear that you empathize, but, like them, you're also ready for it to be over.

2. Duct tape fixes everything.

Here's an excellent line for that "super fix-it dad" or that "nothing is an obstacle mom." They're so used to just being able to slap on some duct tape to save the world, but every so often, the world rears up to humble them. 

3. One day some will find a cure for the saying, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’

Speaking of overused clichés… Look hard and long enough, and you'll always find someone who's got it worse, survived a hurricane, or rebounded from any number of diseases or problems. Except, few people need to hear that right after a painful surgery or treatment.

4. You didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

Do you have a friend that’s the BIGGEST procrastinator when it comes to getting back to the gym? If so, this is the perfect phrase to write in their card to enlist a good belly laugh response.

5. Remember the days when we looked cute in everything we wore?

Write this in your girlfriend’s get well soon car if she’s lamenting the overlap back closure gowns with the art deco polka dot design. True, they’re not supposed to look good, but maybe she shouldn’t be expecting to strut the catwalk with one on, either.

6. Rock that wig!

Chemotherapy can cause hair loss all over your body; even eyebrows and armpit hair might fall out in the second or third week of treatment. But no matter the type of cancer, losing one's hair is that big visual sign of illness, making it especially important to be upbeat and positive for them.

7. I am totes down for punching the next person who tells you, ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ 

When offering condolences, “everything happens for a reason” is one of the worst things you can say. Just like those clichéd phrases mentioned above, sometimes you want to scream at people who can't muster anything original. 

Send this message in a text to help a loved one laugh rather than rage at the next person who lets this tired phrase fall out of their mouths without thinking.

ยป MORE: Instead of ashes, create a beautiful stone. Parting Stone helps you keep your loved ones close.

 

Funny Condolences to Send After a Death

Comics will tell you that timing is everything. This is particularly true for the condolences you're about to read next.

8. I'm sorry to hear that they’re gone but look on the bright side. 

Hopefully, you've got a feel for the situation, so this doesn't come out in the middle of a eulogy and create some sworn enemies. Maybe it's a line more suited to a personal card or after a few years or so. 

However, if you've always had that Walter Matthau or Jack Lemmon timing, you could just throw caution to the wind and see what happens. 

9. I wish I could take away your pain and give it to someone we really hate.

Although few lines will remind you of the iconic funeral scene from Steel Magnolias, this one gets close. You may even want to pick up a t-shirt that says "I hit O'issuer Boudreaux'' to accompany the card. 

Knowing your audience will be essential on this one.

10. It’s okay to fall apart sometimes. Tacos are always falling apart, and everybody still loves them.

People show love all day long on the Internet through songs and happy photos. But when it comes to grief, that's the one kind of love that gets shaded or stuffed in a corner for private viewing only. 

But here's the best way to combat that silliness. Let your loved ones know that no matter what happens or how they respond to their grief—you've still got their back.

11. I hope this card makes you feel less crappy. If not, you can use it to papercut people who annoy you.

Often, grief keeps people tucked away in their heads or unable to smile. So, this condolence message is less laugh out loud and more of a gift for that moment of necessary pause.

Send it to the friend gets your humor, especially if they need help taking a deep breath to see some light. 

12. I’m here for you. Seriously… Just try to get rid of me.

No one ever needs to feel like they're a burden when they're grieving, let alone have anyone allude to it. Instead of being that person, why not send them a pick-me-up DM on social media that insists on being ever-present no matter the length of time needed to heal from the pain.

13. I’m always here if you need someone to help you eat your feelings.

Everyone needs that best friend who's down for some binge eating at the drop of a hat. You could easily follow this up with an RSVP to the next happy hour at your favorite restaurant. 

Alternatively, choosing an appetizer for a to-go order works, too.

14. I know that things are bad but don’t get bangs.

For women, new hairstyles have always been the tell-all of significant life changes. But it takes a strong friend to step in and let someone know that while a new hairdo would be okay, there are some limitations to abide by no matter who you are.

Funny, Famous Quotes for Condolences

Few comedians and humorists get the condolences quotes right, but we found the ones who nailed it.

15. George always said he wasn’t afraid of death. We’re just so glad he wasn’t there when it happened.

Here's a slight amendment to the original and famous Woody Allen quote. Use it in those situations where there was some missing awareness. But, again, timing is everything; knowing your audience is essential, too.

16. We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

Kenji Miyazawa's quote isn't laugh-out-loud funny, yet it's a great reminder to use the pain of loss as momentum to keep going. Too often, only successes are regarded as having the only power, but pain (and even failure) is a great motivator.

17. If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went. 

Will Rogers hit the nail on the head! Dogs are so much more than four-legged companions. And we all know what they say about trusting people who don't like them. 

Rogers’ quote works well for any card, social media post, or text message. 

18. Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered—either by themselves or by others.

Mark Twain, beloved author, humorist, and lecturer, had a knack for saying the simplest, funniest things. It's true. Often, people can't see their own value. Worse, some people turn a blind eye to the goodness in others.

Use this condolence to remark on that one particular person who just never understood why others were drawn to them. It'll make them laugh and cry at the same time.

19. We never become really and genuinely our entire and honest selves until we are dead—and not then until we have been dead years and years. People ought to start dead and then they would be honest so much earlier.

Not everyone's a peach in life—this is known all too well. Said like this, it takes the bitterness out of the truth. That Mark Twain always had a way to transform the terrible into something digestible and right on the money.

20. The world would be a much nicer place if everyone had the ability to love as unconditionally as a dog.

When the truth isn't funny, but what's funny is the truth of the matter, look at this quote from M.K. Clinton. Accompany the passage with a beautiful picture frame so that your friend or loved one can look at their pup and remember the best days, not the worst ones. 

21. Dog’s lives are too short. Their only fault, really.

Agnes Sligh Turnbull's quote is spot on for that friend who needs some support after the death of their dog—or child if that's how they referred to them.  Still, it's even tricky suggesting that there's one thing a pup could ever be guilty of.

Love With Laughter

The gift of laughter is one of those easy gifts for a grieving friend that anyone can give. Just pick up a card or send a quick note, and make sure you’re there to lend an ear and offer your time when it’s needed.

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