Are you looking for a few funny, unique headstone sayings to include in your next scary project or for decorating the lawn at Halloween? Then check out these real-life and funny gravestone epitaphs. If they don’t make you laugh, they’re certain to make you think twice about leaving the end-of-life planning up to the family comedian.
Jump ahead to these sections:
- Real-Life Funny Gravestone Epitaphs
- Funny Epitaphs That Rhyme
- Funny Pet Epitaphs
- Funny Epitaphs for Halloween Decorations
Look no further. We collected some of the most laugh-out-loud-worthy epitaphs that’ll bring a smile to anyone’s face. Some are sweet, others are a touch shocking, and they’re all about livening up the mood a little.
Real-Life Funny Gravestone Epitaphs
A few of the epitaphs below can be attributed to very famous comedians. Others are shared widely in certain circles of humor.
1. “Here lies an Atheist. All dressed up and nowhere to go.”
The quote is relatively self-explanatory, but it also adds that perfect deadpan humor for anyone who wants to evoke a laugh-out-loud response from passersby.
2. “My wife, Pat.”
Here, you’ll note that the author wanted to convey something a little sweet, a little sentimental, and a little funny by giving Pat her very own place card at the cemetery.
3. “I will not be right back after this message.”
Merv Griffin’s gravestone epitaph isn’t just a reminder of his catchphrase or Hollywood career; it’s also a dig on the finality of things.
4. “She always said her feet were killing her, but no one believed her.”
It’s that crushing realization that there may have been something behind all the complaining, noises, and facial expressions that, in truth, sharing the household duties would have saved her!
5. “Damn, it’s dark down here.”
Let’s hope they don’t have taphophobia! Otherwise, someone should have installed the bell next to the escape hatch and feeding tubes.
6. “I’d rather be in Acapulco.”
Never a more fitting phrase, but hopefully above ground and hiking to some majestic overlook rather than swimming with the fishes.
7. “There goes the neighborhood.”
Here’s a fitting epitaph for Rodney Dangerfield. Not only was Rodney a unique individual with distinctive self-deprecating humor, but he was also the king of insult comedy and loved by many.
Funny Epitaphs That Rhyme
Only those with a good sense of humor need to read the epitaphs listed below. Others with rules for headstone etiquette might be disappointed.
8. “Here lies good old Fred. A great big rock fell on his head.”
Well, it certainly rhymes! And for all of you visualizers out there, I think I speak for us all when I say it may not be the funniest thing to laugh at, let alone write on a gravestone, unless you visualize in cartoon imagery.
9. “Here lies the body of our Anna / Done to death by a banana / It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low / But the skin of the thing that made her go.”
Here’s an epitaph from the gravestone of Anna Hopewell in Enosburg Falls, Vermont.
If you’re going to go by fruiticide, a quick fall from a banana is much better than slow death by strychnine.
10. “Here lies the body / of Jonathan Blake / Stepped on the gas / Instead of the brake.”
This epitaph was discovered on the tombstone of Jonathon Blake, an accident victim from Uniontown, Pennsylvania.
It’s been said that there’s never a dull moment above ground in Uniontown, PA.
11. “Underneath this pile of stones / Lies all that’s left of Sally Jones. / Her name was Lord, it was not Jones, / But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.”
Skaneateles, New York isn’t your run-of-the-mill escape for city slickers from Syracuse. Oh no. They’ve got loads of reasons to change your last name and remedy epitaphs to suit any joke.
12. “Here I at length repose, / My spirit now at aise is; / With the tips of my toes / And the point of my nose / Turned up to the roots of the daisies.”
Teague O’Brian from Ballyporeen, Ireland, penned his own epitaph. It’s possible he died before sobering up enough to really make it sing!
13. “Here lies the body of Mary Ann Bent, / She kicked up her heels, and away she went.”
Hopefully, Mary Ann Bent has as many friends waiting for her wherever she’s going as those whom she left—apparently missing her excellent sense of humor.
14. “Don’t weep for me, Eliza dear, / I am not dead, but sleeping here. / As I am now so you must be, / Prepare for death and follow me.”
The mister is a tad presumptuous that the missus would want to follow him so quickly into the Truro, Nova Scotia cemetery and afterlife.
Still, it’s a sweet idea that the two lovebirds will soon remain together for eternity.
Funny Pet Epitaphs
Though never enough, the time they gave and the love they showed can carry us all through the darkest crevices of sorrow. So, let’s laugh before we cry some more.
15. “All creatures great and small, the Lord God made them all grey.”
James Herriot is one of the most beloved veterinarians of all time, and, likely, he wouldn’t mind a slight change to the title of one of his books.
Nor would Mrs. Cecil Frances Alexander, the Irish woman who penned the original poem.
16. “Little people in fur coats.”
Indeed they are.
17. “A tisket, a tasket, his head was in the basket.”
One could assume this epitaph was meant for any long-straw recipient in line at the guillotine, but it’s from a perfect little nursery rhyme. There’s just one alteration at the very end.
18. “Some thought she was sweet, some thought she was swell, but we all know she’s going straight to hell.”
Some cats are cuddlers. Some purr like a well-oiled motor. But others? Well, it’s like being just the tiniest bit afraid for your life when you sleep.
19. “Trouble. He was no trouble.”
In the world of opposites, you love that little ball of no-trouble trouble.
20. “Frank Sinatra”
Some roosters may think themselves larks of the morning, songbirds of the sunrise, and deities of dawn’s music. I’m not telling them. Are you?
21. “Chicken Crosses Over / She never found the answer / to the age-old question, / Why did the chicken cross the ro-?”
Sorry if this one ruffles some feathers—because it’s an awful way to go.
Funny Epitaphs for Halloween Decorations
Some neighborhoods have cooled on the scary or haunted house scene, but these are benign enough to work in anyone’s front yard without spooking the parents too much.
22. Imma Goner
They all warned her. Never go for a hike in the woods smelling like a meat tray. If only Imma had listened to their words of wisdom, she’d be here today.
23. Imma Ghost
Not all family traits are bad—some are just terrible.
24. Wee G. Bord
Don’t touch it. Don’t even go near the things. And most importantly, don’t ask it any questions. Just because your friends are jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean you have to.
25. Barry M. Deep
Now that we’ve figured out how to quarantine against various bubonic plagues and whatnot with ease, fellowship, and minimal issue, it’s not as necessary to dig six feet down to bury Barry.
26. Yul B. Next
I don’t know if anyone told Yul about the circle of life, but that’s just kind of how it goes. The earth is round, the sun sets rises in the east and sets in the west, and people are born, live life, and then at some point—die.
27. Dee Compose
Before she moved into the neighborhood for a few days before and after Halloween, Dee was a talented and famous musician.
28. Anita Moore-Tishan
Like you need another hole in your … Well, I guess that would get you one quick.
29. Berry D. Hatchet
Berry gives such sage advice to not only make amends before the end of one’s life but also to hide the evidence in a place where they’re not going to look.
30. Willy B. Back
Let’s hope not.
31. Chris P. Bacon
Chris had a tough time growing up the only vegan in town.
There’s nothing wrong with going through life, having to stitch yourself up after bad experiences.
The problem is when you have a torch-bearing town ready to smear your reputation just because you’re on a dark, snowy quest for the love of a poor, wretched soul like yourself.
33. Game over!
Here lie Link and Zelda.
34. Jacob Marley
There’s nothing wrong with being shrewd, heartless, and wholly cruel to people every minute of every day to save a bit of coal.
Just ask the guy who’s going to regret it eternally. After all, he did get a book deal.
35. Stella Live
There’s no way any kid wants to see Stella perform curbside, let alone check to see if she’s still breathing after all these years.
36. Anita Newhart
Anita had three brothers, and not one of them ever showed her any compassion or love.
37. Rustin Peece
Rustin was no fan of the rain. Oh, he loved thunderstorms. But something about that H2O set off his arthritic knee like nothing else.
38. Manny Bones
No bones about it. They always said that Jack Hovall Trades was the only real friend Manny ever had. The two were thick as thieves and like two peas in a pod everywhere they went.
39. Hugo First
Parachute testing is not an easy job. It takes dedication, a thirst for soaring above the competition, and, of course, a buoyant personality.
It’s just too bad Hugo only had two of the three traits.
40. Cy Yonara
If it be thus, then there’s no use sugar-coating the lawn about it.
41. Yule B. Sorry
It’s essential to follow up statements of grandeur with action. Otherwise, you’re just some poor schmuck who gets walked on throughout his afterlife.
42. Otto B. Alive
No one was less deserving of his fate than Otto. He was the best mechanic with a growing business and one tiny, somewhat inconsequential drive to play chicken.
43. Rick Amortis
Not for nothing, but Rick was a rigid perfectionist.
44. Al B. Bach
Let’s just hope that if Al does return, it’s perhaps less decayed or missing that potential vampire credential on his current above-ground business card.
Otherwise, people should be looking for a few good Haydn places right now.
Laugh! Because Life’s Too Short to Be So Serious
Whenever the mood hits you right or that great autumnal time of year lures you into the dry ice section, put a few funny headstone sayings into your verbal quiver. Feel free to annoy your friends with them on social media or paint a few gravestones for the lawn when the trick-or-treaters come knocking.
- Bar, Šarūnė. “30 Funny Tombstones by People Whose Sense of Humor Will Live Forever.” Bored Panda, Bored Panda, 2019. boredpanda.com
- Brief Poems. “Tombstone Tropes 2 – Odd Rhyming Epitaphs.” Brief Poems, 14 May 2016. briefpoems.wordpress.com
- Cahn, Lauren. “19 Funniest Tombstones That Really Exist.” Reader’s Digest, RD.com, 29 July 2020. rd.com
- Crawford, Kimberly. “10+ Scary Halloween Tombstone Ideas.” Farm Food Family, Farm Food Family, n.d. farmfoodfamily.com
- DIY Network. “Halloween Decorations: Funny Tombstone Names and Epitaphs.” DIY Network, n.d. diynetwork.com
- Hartsdale Pet Cemetery, Petcem, 2021. petcem.com