10 Funniest Funeral Quotes for a Eulogy or Speech

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People can't compartmentalize their emotions when they grieve (and in most cases, they shouldn't have to!). Their feelings often bleed into one another. Laughter and grief usually coexist. Sometimes you need funny funeral quotes for this occasion. Check out some of our favorites.

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Funny Quotes for a Eulogy

A close friend or member of the family often delivers a eulogy or funeral speech in honor of the deceased. They include biographical details about the deceased’s life and personal memories. Eulogies should offer a tribute to the deceased and his or her character. If your loved one had a wicked sense of humor, a funny eulogy might offer the perfect sendoff. Humorous quotes like these can break the ice.    

1. "Death is too negative for me. So I’ll be popping off for a long cup of tea, Do splash out on two bags in the pot. And for my god’s sake, keep the water hot." — Michael Ashby 

If you’re not sure how to begin a eulogy, why not start with a famous poem? This particular quote is actually the opening of a funny funeral poem. This quintessentially British verse points out that death often makes people uncomfortable. Calling attention to that fact can break the tension. 

2. "According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death." — Jerry Seinfeld 

This line is actually just the first part of one of the comedian’s classic riffs. But it can also set up some other great punchlines. If you’re nervous about speaking, you could say that line and then make your own joke. If you have a well-known fear of public speaking you could continue, “I know that’s true for me. I even asked [Name] if he wanted to switch places with me, but he didn’t answer.” Self-deprecating humor is perfect at a funeral when emotions run high. A joke about the deceased could go very wrong. 

3. "They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days." — Garrison Keillor

Many people veer away from traditional funerals in favor of more uplifting gatherings. Celebration of life services focus more on happy memories and stories. People can make speeches or share an anecdote about the deceased using a microphone. This quote can infuse some laughter and sass into the room after a string of wholesome speeches.

ยป MORE: Do you know someone who's experiencing a loss? This checklist is here to help.

 

Funny Quotes for Funeral Directors to Share

Many families turn to funeral homes as they navigate the burial process. Funeral directors handle key logistics like planning the memorial service. Funeral directors by necessity must balance the needs of every guest. Funeral directors can easily transition from efficient professionalism to compassion. Many even use gentle humor to give mourners a reprieve. Here are some funny quotes fit for funeral directors. 

4. "Everybody can’t talk at the funeral!" — Shuler King

Funeral directors wear a lot of hats and the funeral director makes sure it all comes together. Their jobs require a great deal of expertise which sometimes gets ignored. 

Shuler King’s family has owned a funeral home since 1945. Naturally, he became a licensed funeral director and embalmer so he could help his family’s business thrive. He’s also a successful comedian, who often jokes about his day job. In a comedic video, he went on a good-natured rant about what happens when too many people speak at the funeral. Many funeral directors wish they could say this. 

5. "Good funeral directors can maintain their calm through almost anything, but when some bro walks into a funeral with earbuds blaring, I immediately start my breathing meditation." — Caleb Wilde 

Funeral directors must stay calm, even in the most emotionally fraught situations. Wilde is a sixth-generation funeral director and the author of "Confessions of a Funeral Director: How the Business of Death Saved My Life." He also has a big Twitter following due to his irreverent and polarizing observations. This humorous Tweet offers the kind of off-kilter slice-of-life moments he often shares. Funeral directors often get asked how they maintain their composure. This lighthearted quote seems neutral enough.       

6. "There wasn’t an anhydrous lacrimal gland in the house." — Unknown (via Mary Roach) 

An award-winning author, Roach has created an interesting niche for herself in the publishing world. She has a profound interest in science and enjoys immersing herself in new subjects. She also has a quick sense of humor. As a result, she writes detailed, informative, fun-to-read books.

In her first book "Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers," Roach chronicled the use of cadavers throughout medical history. In the course of her research, she found a written description of a memorial service for several medical school cadavers. She saw the humor in this quote, which is a play on the idiom, “There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.” 

7. "Some people develop frown lines. Others have smile lines. Funeral directors develop clearly defined WTF lines." — Caleb Wilde

Wilde makes a second appearance here with this humorous and humanizing observation. Funeral directors see a lot of weird stuff, but they do their best to stay neutral. 

Funny Funeral One-Liners to Share

Funerals serve an important purpose for attendees. Grief is an isolating emotion, but funerals give people the opportunity to connect and support each other. It’s inevitable that people will feel awkward trying to make small talk when a loved one dies. Sometimes a humorous quip can help everyone relax.  

8. "Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can’t come." — Jeff Goldblum 

Goldblum, known for his quirky and eccentric persona as much as his acting chops, offers an entirely on-brand quote. It’s wry and knowing, but still in good taste and in good fun. 

9. "You know what they always say: you can’t spell ‘funeral’ without ‘fun.’" — Unknown

This quote has been around so long, it’s unclear where it may have originated from. It may just be one of those phrases that emerged from the collective unconscious. You might see this quote on a shirt or hear it in an indie song. For a simple joke, it has a surprising level of versatility. You could deliver this line to make it your own.

10. "I hate going to funerals because I’m not a mourning person." — Jonathan Katz  

When you see this witty quip written out, it’s apparent that it’s actually a play on words. When spoken aloud, the distinction isn’t as obvious. If you say it during an afternoon or evening burial service, it may throw people even further off the trail. The discerning people who catch onto this subtle one-liner will appreciate its quiet cleverness. Even if it only puts a smile on your face, that’s more than enough.

Funny Funeral Quotes Bring Levity 

You can laugh until you cry, and in this case, why not cry until you laugh? Laughing through tears at a funeral may feel like the right response with these quotes. 

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