Every year, people all around the world make New Year's resolutions. When a person makes a New Year’s resolution, they are resolving to improve their lives, like giving up a bad habit or changing an unhealthy pattern of behavior.
Jump ahead to these sections:
- Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Kids
- Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Adults
- Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Senior Citizens
- Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Your Dog, Cat, or Other Pet
- Funny Work-Related New Year’s Resolutions
- Funny School-Related New Year’s Resolutions
- Funny Health-Related New Year’s Resolutions
- Funny Lifestyle-Related New Year’s Resolutions
While it’s evident that traditions similar to present-day New Year’s resolutions have existed for millennia, it can still be tricky to come up with the perfect resolution. A lot of people commit to challenging tasks, like losing weight or getting a promotion. But New Year’s resolutions don’t have to be so serious. Here are some ideas for fun, lighthearted resolutions for you to strive for next year.
Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Kids
Unlike adults, kids don’t usually have a lifetime of bad habits to break. As a result, resolutions aren’t often a priority for them. Here are some resolutions that we wish our kids would make.
1. I won’t give myself unsanctioned haircuts
Parents, your kids will need your help with this one. Children are not known for their impulse control. This means you need to hide any implements your kids might use in their quest to make themselves bald.
Keep your beard trimmers and your scissors far out of reach of your kids at all times. A lockbox honestly isn’t overkill.
2. I’ll color on paper and not on the walls
Your toddler may think he’s the next Banksy, but your landlord will likely not appreciate abstract Crayola murals on the walls. Resolve to help your aspiring graffiti artist out by investing in fun coloring books.
Alternatively, you can get black and white mural wallpaper that kids can color on and personalize. Just make sure they’re old enough to know those are the only walls they’re allowed to draw on.
3. I’ll try to eat the occasional vegetable without bribery or cajoling
If we let kids eat whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, they’d probably be orange from all the Cheeto dust surrounding them. Our kids need a well-balanced meal though, so help your kid out by serving them veggies you think they’ll like.
Have a super picky eater on your hands? You can always start hiding vegetables in your kids’ food. Spinach brownies are deceptively delicious.
4. I’ll sleep in my bed all night
Every parent dreams of the night they can sleep until morning without a small child invading their bed and kicking them all night. Improve your odds of experiencing a bruise-free night by making your child’s room a welcoming and soothing sanctuary.
5. I’ll stop making my parents read me the same book every night
Dr. Seuss is a master of children’s literature. But no parent wants to read Green Eggs and Ham 372 nights in a row. Pick out some other books to buy that might capture the attention of your kid and their one-track mind.
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Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Adults
Certain New Year’s resolutions have become a cliché. Every year we vow to lose some weight and get into a relationship (or improve an existing one). It’s time to think outside the box with these less-obvious resolution ideas, some of which are downright silly.
6. I will love myself as much as Lizzo loves herself
Singer and rapper Lizzo burst onto the international stage this year with her witty songs, sense of humor, and body positivity endearing her to the world.
She would be the first person to tell you that you’re an amazing person who deserves to be loved for who you are. Prove her right by loving yourself unconditionally.
7. I will pick fewer internet fights
It’s easy to get mad at people on the internet, especially when their views are diametrically opposed to your own. Sometimes having a heated debate is fine if you think the person you’re arguing with may see your point.
Even if they’re recalcitrant, someone else may be following your conversation and rethink their positions. But sometimes self-care dictates that we stay away from fights we know we can’t win.
8. I vow to communicate exclusively in memes
There truly is a meme for every occasion. Many married couples spend their days sending memes back and forth (ask us how we know).
Commit to only communicating with people via memes, at least until they catch on and ask you what’s up. It might take longer for people to catch on than you would think.
9. I will finish all the DIY projects I started and abandoned in 2019. Or, well, maybe just one of them
So you watched too much HGTV and overestimated your own ability to upgrade your living space. Now you have a patchy paint job in the living room, a half-finished tile backsplash in the bathroom, and somehow you no longer have upper kitchen cabinets. Before taking on new resolutions, see about addressing incomplete ones from this year.
10. I will be unashamed about the fact that I’m wearing pajamas in public
The athleisure wear trend makes it easier than ever to dress in yoga pants or leggings and pretend like you plan on hitting the gym after you run errands.
Meanwhile, everyone knows you wouldn’t run unless a bear was chasing you. It’s okay to wear leggings just because they’re comfortable. This is a judgment-free zone.
Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Senior Citizens
Just because you’re older, it doesn’t mean you should give up on planning for the future. In fact, that can help you feel younger and put you in a better mindset. Here are some New Year’s resolution ideas that can help a senior citizen live their best life.
11. I resolve to learn how to play videogames
Want to bond with your grandchildren? Ask them to help you learn their favorite video games. Not only will it give you a connection with them, it can help engage your brain and improve your hand-eye coordination.
12. I will eat dessert first
If you’re in otherwise good health, there’s nothing wrong with having a sweet treat ahead of - or in lieu of - dinner. Life is short: enjoy yourself while you can.
13. I will make more friends
As we reach our golden years, our friends may sadly may not always survive as long as we do. Our children and grandchildren can also become preoccupied with their own lives. As a result, elderly people can often feel isolated and alone.
Making new friends can be scary, but it’s completely possible. If you have a hobby you enjoy like woodworking or playing chess look for others who share those interests. Join a club or take a class where you might meet people with similar interests. You can even do like the millennials and make friends online.
14. I will not act my age
Society seems to have a lot of rules about what aging should look like. Older women are supposed to cut their hair short and get it set into curls once a week. Older men start wearing short-sleeved polyester-blend button-down shirts.
Everyone, regardless of gender, wears safe neutral colors. You don’t have to dress like your grandparents did, though. If you like having long hair, leave it long. If you’ve always wanted a tattoo, get one. If you’re of retirement age, you’re the only one who has a say in what you “should” look like.
15. I resolve to surprise my family
Sometimes our families get used to us acting a certain way. Remind them that you’re never too old to surprise them. Learn how to rap. Begin texting them memes. Take a jazz class. Contrary to popular belief, old dogs can learn new tricks.
Funny New Year’s Resolutions for Your Dog, Cat, or Other Pet
New Year’s resolutions: they’re not just for humans anymore. If your pets could talk, they would likely communicate these resolutions to you.
16. I will become an internet celebrity
Pets like JiffPom the Pomeranian, Juniper the Fox, and Pumpkin the Racoon boast Instagram followings most humans could never achieve. The late great Grumpy Cat and the recently deceased Lil Bub (RIP) were two cool cats who raised awareness of pets with medical issues.
Your pet knows they could be famous too - the only thing that’s holding them back is a lack of opposable thumbs. It’s your responsibility to help them out by photographing and writing captions on their behalf.
17. I will take my human on more walks
Your dog knows you’re going to resolve to lose weight, just like you do everywhere. When they bring their leash to you and look at you with hopeful eyes, take them outside. They only have your best interests at heart.
18. I will eat more
Your cat knows you’ve joined the “This cat is C H O N K Y” Facebook page. She sees you commenting about how much you like this one “absolute unit” of a cat. You only have yourself to blame when she wakes you up sixteen times a night asking for food.
19. I will learn how to change the TV channels
Your pet knows you’re just trying to be nice when you leave Animal Planet on to keep them company when you go to work. But they’re stressed out by all those other animals on the TV screen. They would prefer if you would change it to Bravo instead, as they enjoy the Real Housewives franchise. Lisa Vanderpump would never expect them to watch Animal Planet all day.
20. I will finally catch and destroy that bird
You might think your dog is barking at nothing. You may think your cat runs into the sliding glass door because he’s a little dumb. What you don’t know is that birds, the scourge of the skies, are taunting your pets. That’s their story, and they’re sticking to it.
Funny Work-Related New Year’s Resolutions
Assuming you have a standard forty-hour work schedule, you spend nearly a quarter of your week at work. These lighthearted resolutions might make your work day feel a little more fun.
21. I will only eat the good candy from the bowl on the receptionist’s desk.
It’s annoying when your coworkers go through the complementary candy dish and pick out all the good pieces for themselves. You may end up feeling obligated to eat unwanted discarded candy like black licorice-flavored jelly beans. Resist that urge! Be strong and eat the fun-sized chocolate bars instead.
22. I will celebrate obscure holidays.
Decorating for holidays like Valentine’s Day or Halloween is super simple. Challenge yourself by looking up offbeat holidays, and celebrating them in your own weird way. Here are some examples:
- National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (January 31st): Wrap everything in your cubicle in bubble wrap, from your chair to your stapler to your insulated coffee mug.
- National Public Sleeping Day (February 28th): Bring a pillow and blanket to work and nap under your desk during your lunch break. Bonus points if you also wear an old-timey stocking cap while sleeping.
- National Two Different Colored Shoes Day (May 3rd): Wear two different colored shoes. This could be as subtle as wearing the same shoe style in different colors, or as obvious as pairing a cowboy moot with a stiletto heel.
23. I will be a secret superhero.
Let’s face it, work would be a lot more fun if we could wear silly costumes. Alas, many of us are confined by stringent corporate dress codes. Instead of a standard undershirt, wear a Superman t-shirt under your suit. Be the Clark Kent you wish to see in the world.
24. I will wear my pajamas to work.
Slacks look professional but can often feel uncomfortable, especially when you have to wear them all day. Several companies have now realized that there’s a market for clothes that are nice enough to wear to the office but comfortable enough to sleep in. As a result, they’ve started making yoga pants with elastic waistbands and soft material that still look well-tailored and office-ready. We truly live in the future.
25. I will make up elaborate backstories in my head about my annoying coworkers.
We have all had our experiences with irritating coworkers over the years. Not everyone gets along - it’s just human nature. But having repeated exposure to someone with tiresome characteristics can be draining.
Making up preposterous theories about what drives these qualities can help relieve the tension. Tell yourself that Brad isn’t chewing loudly on purpose to drive you crazy - he was just raised by wolves and doesn’t know any better! Don’t you feel better already?
Funny School-Related New Year’s Resolutions
When we make serious New Year’s resolutions, it’s because we want to learn and grow. But school is already a place for learning and growing, so you’ve got that covered. Take a break and make some silly resolutions instead.
26. I won’t schedule any classes before noon.
Most high schools in the United States start somewhere between 8 am, and 8:15 am. So when people get to college, they make the rookie mistake of signing up for classes that start early in the day. You also don’t have a curfew or parents reminding you to go to sleep in college.
There will be plenty of time to wake up early after you graduate. Until then, savor the opportunity to sleep in.
27. I’ll make every weekend a three-day weekend.
Most colleges offer the same courses on various days and times throughout the week to allow students the flexibility to set the schedule that works best for them. Take advantage of that by scheduling all your classes Monday through Thursday. That way, you can kick off your weekend a day early every week.
28. I’ll give myself fake deadlines.
Habitual procrastinators always say they won’t wait until the last minute the next time they have a paper or a project due, but they’re usually lying to themselves. Instead of relying on your willpower, you can trick yourself into being productive. When writing due dates into your planner, set them to be earlier. WIll you still end up working frantically up to the last minute? Probably. But at least this way, you’ll have time to edit.
29. I won’t let other people take credit for my work.
Whenever there’s a group project in high school or college, there’s always at least one person who flakes out on doing any work. Luckily, many teachers and professors now solicit feedback from group participants to ensure that everyone contributes. If someone in your group is trying to skate by, make that clear if you’re asked for your input. Is it petty? Yes. Is it satisfying? Also yes.
30. I’ll take at least one low-effort class.
Many larger colleges and universities offer fun and simple electives you can take to get your requisite credit hours. Sure, you could take an extra math or physics class. But it’s much more fun to sign up for bowling or tai chi instead.
Funny Health-Related New Year’s Resolutions
Out of all of the different types of New Year’s resolutions, health-related ones are the most common. For the most part, they are also unsustainable. Instead of setting resolutions that you know you’ll abandon by February, try these more feasible alternatives.
31. I will not be a new me.
The saying “New year, new me” gets thrown around a lot this time of year, but we can’t fundamentally change ourselves. You’re always going to be the same person. Instead, commit to being a slightly less flawed version of yourself.
32. I will not waste my money on a gym membership.
Every January, gyms report a steep increase in people signing up for memberships. Most of these newcomers will stop using their gym membership after a few weeks or months, even if they’re locked into a year-long contract.
Sure, you could make a resolution that doesn’t include the gym at all. But resolving not to throw your money away sounds much more virtuous.
33. I will buy gummy vitamins.
Many people resolve to eat healthier every January, but they often don’t stick to their new diet plan in the long term. Taking vitamins will help you fill in any gaps in your nutrition when you inevitably lapse back into eating ramen every night. Could you take those big multivitamins you can swallow? Of course. But gummy vitamins are more fun.
Funny Lifestyle-Related New Year’s Resolutions
In some ways, New Year’s resolutions are like a to-do list. You’re setting goals that you plan to achieve. So many New Year’s resolutions go unkept because they’re often kind of tedious and boring. You’re way more likely to follow through on fun resolutions like these.
36. I will buy stupid things that make me happy.
Thanks to the rise of minimalism, more and more people are living streamlined lives that eschew excess. Sorry, but that just seems really dull. Most of our money, by necessity, goes towards practical things like rent, food, and utilities. But we think you should also add a line item to your budget, allowing for ridiculous indulgences that serve no practical purpose.
37. “I will start checking fun and exciting things off my bucket list.”
We all have a list of things we’d like to do “someday,” but we keep pushing them back for whatever reason. Maybe we’re too tired. Maybe we’re afraid. Maybe we just think we have all the time in the world to accomplish them. The thing is, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. So there’s no time like the present to start doing the things we always say we want to do. Some examples might be:
- Getting a tattoo
- Shaving your head
- Dyeing your hair a crazy color
- Going bungee jumping
- Going skydiving
- Auditioning for a reality show
- Going to rock and roll fantasy camp
- Trying stand-up comedy
The only limit here is your imagination, so don’t be afraid to make even your most ridiculous and outrageous fantasies a reality.
38. I won’t make any New Year’s resolutions.
You know what? You don’t even have to make a resolution if you don’t want to? Although, if you resolve not to make a resolution, that is a resolution in and of itself. On second thought, just make a fun, easy resolution, so you don’t accidentally create a paradox and rip a hole in the space-time continuum. The last few years have been crazy enough.
Lighthearted Ways to Kick Off the New Year
New Year’s resolutions don’t have to be so serious. While it’s not an inherently bad thing to want to improve your life, you’re never going to accomplish change if it feels like a grim slog. This year, let yourself be a little silly when you make your resolutions. You might be surprised how much easier it is to check lighthearted items off your to-do list.