How to Write a Letter to a Friend Who Had a Miscarriage

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More likely than not, you have at least one friend or loved one who has experienced a pregnancy loss at some point in their life. An estimated twenty-six percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage, although that doesn’t make it any easier when it does happen.

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Coping with a miscarriage comes with heartbreak, anxiety, grief, and a whole other mix of complex emotions. One of the key tools people need in healing from a miscarriage is a reliable and trustworthy support group that they can lean on. 

When a friend tells you about a miscarriage they’ve experienced, they’re trusting you with their heart. You’ve built a relationship on understanding, which is why they’ve reached out to you.

You still might find yourself at a loss for words, and that’s OK. A great way to get your message across is by writing a letter to a friend who had a miscarriage. We’re here to guide you every step of the way.

What to Include in a Letter to a Friend Who Had a Miscarriage

Offering condolences for a miscarriage can be tricky. You don’t want to overstep boundaries or unnecessarily trigger your friend. You want them to know that you’re there for them without being overbearing. 

The great thing about writing a letter is that it allows you to give your friend the support they need without putting extra pressure on them. They can take their time to respond to the letter if and when they feel ready.

Even with the best of intentions, you might not be sure what you should write in the letter. Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • Remind them that they did nothing wrong. 
  • Ensure them that they’re not alone.
  • Let them know you’re there for them, offer your support when they need it.
  • Include uplifting quotes, stories, or jokes. 
  • Include your own story if relevant, but focus on their experience.
  • Validate their feelings. Let them know that whatever they’re experiencing is normal and OK.
  • Let them know ways you’re willing to help them out, whether it’s a phone or video chat, walking their dog, or bringing them food.
  • Avoid phrases like “You can always get pregnant again,” or, “ It just wasn’t meant to be.” These can be triggering and harmful.

It can be difficult piecing together the right words, so here are some simple phrases to include in your letter:

  • “It’s OK to be sad right now. Let yourself feel whatever comes up.”
  • “You are not alone in this. I am here for you no matter what.”
  • “Grief has its own timeline. I’m here for you no matter when these feelings come up.”
  • “I am so sorry for your loss. I’m holding you and your little one in my heart.”

Hopefully this gives you some ideas about what to include in your letter, but now it’s time to get to work and actually write it. 


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Steps for Writing a Letter to a Friend Who Had a Miscarriage

Now that you have some creative inspiration, it’s time to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and offer your support to your dear friend.

Here are your steps for writing a letter to a friend who had a miscarriage:

1. Choose your medium

Snail mail isn’t your only letter-writing option these days, so your first step is picking your medium.

Are you going to write an email? A long text message? Will you make a card? Buy one? Hand-write your letter in gel pens or doodle on it with colored pencils? Use a typewriter? There’s also something very magical about a traditional handwritten letter!

Choose a medium that feels authentic and meaningful to you and your friend.

2. Check-in with yourself

Sometimes it can be hard to remember the “why” for sending a friend a letter when they’re grieving. Where are these words of affirmation and support coming from?

Check in with yourself about what your intentions are. Do you feel obligated to send a letter? Do you want to show your friend how loved and cared for they are?

Doing this can help you get out of your own head about saying the wrong thing and write something that truly comes from the heart.


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3. Assess your friend’s needs

What you put in a letter depends on your friend and how they like to be comforted, as well as the nature of your relationship. 

Are they someone who leans on humor to be uplifted? Do motivational quotes and poems fill them up? Do you think they’d prefer short and sweet or long and wordy? Are they religious or spiritual?

These are all important things to take into account when figuring out what to say to someone who has experienced a miscarriage. Take what you know about your friend and let that guide you in writing a meaningful letter.

4. Write from the heart

It’s easy to get caught up in your head when writing something as delicate as a miscarriage support letter. Let this letter come from your heart so that your friend feels loved, not coddled.

Writing from the heart may seem easier said than done, so when writing, ask yourself these questions:

  • Is this something I would say to my friend’s face?
  • Does this actually sound like something I would say?
  • Would this be helpful for my friend to hear/read?
  • What would I want to hear if I was in their shoes?

If you need to, you can always ask someone to read it ahead of time to make sure it feels like it will resonate with your friend.

5. Choose your method of transportation

Your method of transportation depends on your medium. This could be an electronic letter, but if it’s a paper letter you’ll either send it in the mail or hand-deliver it.

Either way, this is a great opportunity to send along a whole miscarriage care package.

Here are some other goodies you can include in it:

  • A massage gift certificate
  • Comforting snacks
  • A miscarriage keepsake necklace
  • A journal with a set of pens
  • A book on grief and loss
  • Cozy tea, candles, and bath salts

Whether you send a heartfelt email or a full care package, your friend will know that someone is thinking of them during this difficult time in their life.

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Example Letters to a Friend Who Had a Miscarriage

You probably have a good idea by now of what you want to write to your friend who had a miscarriage. Here are a couple example letters so that you can get a feel of what they might look and sound like:

Letter to a close or best friend

Dear (Name or nickname/term of endearment),

We have been through so much together. You have held and supported me through some of the most difficult times in my life, and now it’s my turn.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your little one. No one should have to go through this kind of loss, yet here we are.

Everything you’re feeling, whether it’s grief, anxiety, shame, relief, hope, it’s all welcome. It’s all real, raw, human emotions, and it’s OK to feel all or none of it. 

Your grief and emotions may ebb and flow, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you no matter when and what you need. Whether it’s ten minutes or ten years from now.

I want to give you whatever space you need, but please do not hesitate to reach out to me whether it’s to vent, for a hug, or you need someone to bring you snacks. I know how much you love my banana bread.

You will get through this, I promise.

With all my love,

(Name)

Letter to an acquaintance or less close friend

Dear (Name),

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I’m holding you, your little one, and your family in my heart.

I can’t imagine how your heart is feeling right now, but know that whatever emotions are coming up, they are totally normal and understandable.

Please take all the space that you need. You deserve time to heal and rest, as these are some of the best medicines for grief.

I’m here for you if you need support or someone to talk to. No one should have to go through this alone, and you’re no exception.

From my heart to yours,

(Name)

Writing a Miscarriage Letter to a Friend

The fact that you’ve read all this means that your heart is in the right place. You care about your friend and want to show them that they’re loved and supported.

Life after a miscarriage can be so difficult to navigate. Letting your friend know that you’re there by their side through this journey can help take a bit of the burden of grief off their shoulders. 

Whether it’s an e-letter or a handwritten note that’s part of a care package, your friend will feel that much more supported after reading your letter.


Source:
  1. Dugas, Carla, and Valori H Slane. “Miscarriage.” Stat Pearls Publishing, 29 January 2021. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.

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