24 Funny Jokes for Morticians or Funeral Directors

Updated

If you’re looking to spice up the snoozefest watercooler talk at work or anywhere else, check out these funny jokes for morticians and funeral directors. A few are good enough to share with family and friends, too.

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Below, we highlight some of the funniest one-liners and puns about death. You may laugh or turn up your nose, but we guarantee you won’t be able to stop reading. And as with all humor, some jokes will suit you while others won’t. After all, having one standard for everyone everywhere would be super boring.

One-Liner Mortician or Funeral Director Jokes

Are you looking for some short one-liner jokes for your quiver? Read on and stash the one that grabs your attention the most.

1. Any day above ground is a good one.

You may not get a laugh out of everyone on this one-liner. Still, I’ve heard this line out of the mouth of people who aren’t funeral directors, and it still gets quite a guffaw.

That said, this is a one-liner that can get old pretty quick.

2. You look good. Like open-casket good.

Knowing your audience is the key to delivering a good joke that receives a great response. So, while this may not work for your grandparents, it would work for a dear old friend you haven’t seen in a while.

3. My day starts when yours ends.

Some things are just so obviously morbid to say, but you can get away with almost anything when said excellent company.

Next time you hear your friends or family complaining about their workloads and coworkers, toss out this little gem of a one-liner, and the complaining will come to an abrupt halt.

4. We should do this again sometime.

Here’s a one-liner that sounds like the closing line of a first date, which instantly turns the memory of a romantic interlude into one that takes on a whole new meaning.

You instantly want to respond with, “No. No, we shouldn’t.”

5. Mine’s the only occupation where there isn’t a ‘bring your kids to work day.’

There is truth in advertising! When we said funny jokes, we meant it. And while you may not be gut laughing at this one, the reality of it all aligns it with most stand-up comedy routines.

In truth, however, it’s not unusual for funeral home directors or owners to bring their kids by work. But the people at the next cocktail party don’t have to know that.

6. I don’t understand why my kid never invites me to career day at school.

You can now hear the other teachers and parent friends politely declining or signing the planned absence notes.

That said, it’s not unusual for kids to take field trips to unique places—and funeral homes are just one of those places that get put on the list in small towns. 

7. I just don’t understand why our ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ offer isn’t too popular.

Here’s a joke for those deep in new marketing strategy conversations. M. J. Fry’s one-liner can put some fun into those boring brainstorming sessions.

Take it one step further. Make an infographic for the morning meeting, and see how that goes over.

8. We also have urns if you want to think outside the box.

Sunday comic artist Mike Twohy takes funeral puns to a new level. 

Although it’s difficult to imagine where you would use this or with whom, but you could play around with it and slyly insert it into conversations with strangers.

9. Not everyone is cut out for this business, but it’s a living.

As illustrated by artist Ron Morgan, the bragging rights of a funeral director seem both curious and strange, which makes this one-liner incredibly funny.

It’s funny because it’s old-school cheesy humor—the kind that gets a grin and head shake without a full laugh.

10. I’m sorry, but the comfort of our coffins has never been an issue before

Sunday comic artist Tony Perret drew two clients talking with a funeral director about a coffin. One decided to take a seat inside, which elicited the above response from the funeral director.

April Fool’s Jokes for Morticians or Funeral Directors

In research, we discovered so many more jokes that Morticians and Funeral Directors maybe shouldn’t make than should. These may press a few buttons, but they won’t go over the edge.

11. Horror movie scene

This joke works if your funeral home has drop ceilings in anyone of the break rooms or other employee-only locations. You’ll need:

  • Long, dark hair extensions
  • Sturdy tape or a clip

Lift a panel in the drop-down ceiling to tape or clip the hair extension and hide the adhesive. Clip or tape the hair extensions so that it’s invisibly attached.

12. Mannequin mix-up

Here’s an idea to use with a rescue mannequin or something similar: 

  1. Dress your mannequin.
  2. Wrap a sheet around it, leaving the hair partially exposed.
  3. Sit the mannequin on a chair facing the entrance to the cooler.
  4. Wait for unsuspecting coworkers to open the door.

Tape or hang a funny sign on it that says:

  • North Pole or Bust
  • I found this humerus
  • Good Mourning
  • Shhh. I’m Hiding

13. Fake arms

Some jokes are best out of view from clientele—like this one. You’ll need:

  • An old dress shirt
  • Stuffing material
  • Fake hands or some gloves

First, park the call van in the garage where it’s out of sight of non-industry workers. Then stuff two shirt sleeves with towels or other stuffing material. Finally, attach two plastic hands or a pair of stuffed gloved to the end of them and position them beneath the driver’s side door.

14. False monument proof

Likely, you remember funny tombstone inscriptions more than others, right? So why not make up your own and share them with co-workers as if it’s a sincere request. 

Print them off and hang them up for your coworkers to enjoy in the break rooms and employee-only locations.

15. False eulogy 

If you have a way with words, then take a moment to write a funny eulogy to pass off as a real one. If you’re unsure how, check out a few examples online and then have a go. 

Share it and see who catches on first.

Pro-tip: if you’re creative, you can try making up a Mad Libs-style eulogy with fill-in-the-blank portions. 

16. Switch coffee mugs 

What’s the perfect gift for a funeral director other than time off? Something that will add fun to their day! One idea is to switch out your coworker’s coffee mug with something a little off-color.

Need some help? Type in a quick word search online and click the images option in your toolbar. You’ll probably find something perfect in an online marketplace like Etsy.

More Hilarious Jokes for Morticians or Funeral Directors

Here are a few more jokes to put in your quiver for that perfect moment.

17. Did you hear about the one where the funeral director went to the mind reader? There was no charge.

Some jokes will have your friends and coworkers thinking long and hard about all the things one might see as a funeral director. 

Can you just imagine the snippets and flashes of visuals that a mind reader might see?  

18. A Funeral Director was driving down I-95 when her cell phone rang. Her friend said, “Be careful, there’s a car going the wrong direction on I-95.”

The Funeral Director replied: “They got it wrong, it’s not one car, it’s hundreds of them.”

Timeless humor isn’t about holding people back or keeping others down. That’s why bad driving jokes like this are great. 

Switch out the pronouns, so it’s a non-gendered, inclusive joke, or leave it as is if you know the audience well.

19. This will brighten your mood, Dick—every few minutes, a baby boomer turns 50.”

Edward Koren’s Sunday comic illustrates two men standing outside of a funeral home. They both appear to be waiting for something to do or someone to help.

20. As a funeral director, I always tie the deceased’s shoelaces together. The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

If you happen to say this to the next intern with a straight face, make sure they know you’re joking. You wouldn’t want them to make a dreadful error for any viewing.

Otherwise, deadpan it at the next social gathering and see who cracks first.

21. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing…except at a funeral.

Seriously! The last thing anyone wants to hear at a funeral is, “I apologize.” 

This isn’t something you would want to leave on a card, but it would make good comedy in a fake eulogy or a phony headstone.

22. I’m a mortician. You’ll have to try hard if you want to gross me out.

No truer statement, right? Anytime you want to quiet a room or make some space in a public area, all you have to do is start talking about “a day in the life.” So, next time a paramedic or nurse tries to one-up you, you already know what to say.

23. Be nice to me. I might be your mortician one day.

This is a joke that the wrong audience might take the wrong way. So, save it for someone you know. 

Plus, you don’t know what’s been going on in someone’s life during the pandemic.

24. How many funeral jokes are there? None, they’re all facts.

The funniest jokes are the ones that are honest, self-deprecating, and unabashedly real. Unfortunately, that makes most jokes about the funeral industry spot-on funny, even if morbidly so.

24. How many people in the graveyard are dead? All of them.

This is either the worst or best joke, but that’s up to you to decide.

These Aren’t Stiff Jokes

Let’s face it. Being a funeral director isn’t easy. It’s a lot of pain and sadness day in and day out, so it’s nice to add some fun to the moment and take back some smiles and twinkling eyes, if only for a moment.


Sources: 
  1. Young, M. (2013). The Best Ever Book of Funeral Director Jokes. (Kindle ed.).
  2. “Funeral Director Cartoons And Comics.” Cartoon Stock, Cartoon Stock, n.d.,  cartoonstock.com/directory/f/funeral_director.asp 
  3. “The Best 69 Funeral Jokes To Laugh Out Loud.” Joko Jokes, Joko Jokes, n.d.,  jokojokes.com/funeral-jokes.html 
  4. Szczesniak, Daniel. “36 Hilarious Mortician Humor Memes.” US Urns Online, US Urns Online, 29 August 2019, www.usurnsonline.com/oddbits/36-hilarious-mortician-humor-memes/ 
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