What to Say (And Do) After a Daughter’s Miscarriage

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You love your daughter more than anything in the world, and it can break your heart to see her going through such a challenging time. If you’ve had a miscarriage yourself, you may understand just what she’s going through. If not, you still understand the pain of grief and how important it is for your daughter to have people around her who can give her the support she needs.

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Miscarriages often strike without warning, causing an unexpected period of grief during a time when you’re expecting to celebrate and welcome a new life into the world. You might even be experiencing some grandparent grief yourself. 

Whatever the case may be, the fact that you’re reading this means that you’re willing to show up for your daughter in the way that she needs right now. Still, you might not know the right things to say and do. We’re here to help you navigate when your daughter experiences a miscarriage.

What Should You Keep In Mind While Comforting Your Daughter After a Miscarriage?

Although you may have the best intentions, you may not always say or do the right things. Similar to how your daughter needs solace, you might need a little bit of guidance on how to support her best. 

Remember that she might be feeling ashamed, isolated, confused, and sad right now. The last thing she wants is to be lectured or judged. You might also feel the need to overtalk as a means of comforting or even distracting her, but sometimes silence speaks louder than words. 

You just want to reach in and fix her heart, but unfortunately, some things are out of your control. Still, there are other ways to comfort her and make her life easier. 

It’s important to note that while this article is targeted towards parents speaking to their daughters, these tips can be used for anyone who has had a miscarriage, including non-binary folx and trans-men, as well as children whose partners have had a miscarriage.

What to Say to Your Daughter After a Miscarriage

Comforting someone through grief and loss can be difficult, especially when it's somebody as close to you as your daughter. You might be feeling a bit tongue-tied or just aren't sure what to say. No worries, we're here to give you some advice on what to say to your daughter when she has a miscarriage.  

“I’m always here for you.”

Depending on your relationship with your daughter, she might not realize that you are available as a resource until you go out of your way to tell her. Or she might feel guilty about reaching out or just too tired. No matter what she's going through, it can mean the world for her parents to say something as simple as "I'm always here for you." 

What does it mean to be there for your daughter after a miscarriage? It means to be available whether she wants advice or comforting words, needs help with errands while she heals, or simply a shoulder to cry on. Having your parent be able to provide these while you're grieving can make a world of difference when it comes to her healing. 

“Take time for yourself.”

Your daughter is going through an incredibly intense experience. She’s not only healing physically but mentally and emotionally as well. Amid all this and everyday responsibilities, she might forget how important it is to take time for herself. That’s why it can be helpful to give her a little reminder. 

Without pushing her at all, you can gently remind her that it’s ok to rest, to take time off of work if she can, to take a break from socializing, and do whatever else she needs to move forward in her life.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

One of the most common emotions people feel after a pregnancy loss is guilt. Your daughter could be feeling guilty that she could have done something differently and had a different outcome or that the miscarriage is somehow her fault.

Try your best to reassure her that sometimes these things are out of our control and happen without explanation. She may need to hear that there’s nothing that she could have done differently and it wasn’t her fault. These simple statements can help relieve some of the pressure she may be putting on herself so that she can focus on her healing. 

What NOT to Say to Your Daughter After a Miscarriage

Now that you have a good idea of what to say to your daughter after she’s had a miscarriage, it’s important to also keep in mind what you shouldn’t say. Even when it’s coming from a good place, certain things may trigger her, hurt her, or just not be what she needs to hear right now. 

Here are some things you should avoid saying after your daughter has had a miscarriage:

“It wasn’t meant to be”

This might feel like a comforting thing to say, but sometimes it can have the opposite effect. Some things may or may not be meant to be, but even when this is said with the kindest of intentions, it can feel triggering or hurtful to your daughter.

Keep in mind that it depends on the person. You know your daughter. If she’s religious, spiritual, or believes that some things are or aren’t meant to be, then this statement might resonate with her. Still, tread lightly when saying things along this line.

When in doubt, it’s a good idea to mirror her language. If she says something like this or uses similar language, it’s ok to reflect that.

“You can always get pregnant again.”

Another phrase that comes from a good place but can be incredibly hurtful. The thing is, you don’t know whether she can get pregnant again or what the future of her fertility journey looks like, let alone the journey she took to get pregnant this time. 

Maybe she doesn’t ever want to get pregnant again. Even if she does, right now she’s focusing on healing from this miscarriage, and she probably doesn’t want to focus on getting pregnant again. 

This statement can also add extra pressure on her when she may already be feeling guilty or ashamed. You can be encouraging and comforting by instead saying things like “Now’s the time to focus on your healing” or one of the phrases previously mentioned.

“You’ll get over it soon”

This one may be obvious, but if not, be careful not to say things like this to your daughter. Grief isn’t linear. Your daughter may feel fine one day and incredibly emotional the next. When and how she “gets over it” is her journey. 

Saying this can prevent her from moving forward because it may leave her feeling unsupported and like she can’t turn to you for comfort and advice. If you feel prompted to say this, instead take a deep breath and try to say something more tender and gentle, or say nothing at all. She’ll heal in her own time.

Other Ways You Can Comfort Your Daughter After a Miscarriage

Actions might not always be stronger than words, but they certainly do help. You now have a better idea of what to say and not to say to your daughter after she’s had a miscarriage, and you’re wondering what other ways you can help comfort her.

Here are some things to consider: 

Make her life easier

Think about the last difficult thing that you went through. How much easier would it have been if someone was there to take care of the little things in your life so that you could focus on yourself? The best ways to do this are by taking the initiative (or asking permission) to do chores and errands for her.

Here are some ideas:

  • Go grocery shopping for her
  • Walk her dog
  • Watch other children if she has any so that she can rest
  • Cook for her
  • Tidy up around her house
  • Make her space feel nice by bringing flowers, candles, and snacks

Even if you live far away from your daughter, you can still help make her life easier. You may order food to her house, offer to pay for a babysitter or dog walker so that she can get some rest time, or hire a housecleaner so that she can relax in a clean home without having to worry about doing it herself.

Help her preserve the memory

While some people want to forget about their miscarriage, many want to preserve the memory of their lost little one. It can be incredibly touching to your daughter that this is a process you want to participate in. 

There are so many ways to preserve the memory of her pregnancy and miscarriage. Here are some ways you can do just that: 

  • Use these memory frame ideas to give her something to remember: Gift a frame with a motivational or comforting message or quote, or even a picture of her ultrasound if that’s something she’d be comfortable with. Keep in mind that could be triggering for some people.
  • Create a memory box: A miscarriage memory box is a place to keep mementos and keepsakes to commemorate the experience. Some things to include are maternity photos and ultrasounds, baby blankets or clothes, and other things that remind her of her pregnancy. 
  • Give her a keepsake gift: A keepsake gift is something that your daughter can keep with her or turn to and remember this period in her life and help create meaning around it. A keepsake gift could be jewelry, a plant, or even naming a star after the baby (if the baby was named).

Comforting Your Daughter After a Miscarriage

Naturally, you want the best for your daughter. In this incredibly difficult time, you want to do all you can to make her feel better. Keep in mind that she might not want to talk right now, and that’s ok. Give her whatever space she needs, but still, reassure her that you’ll be there when she’s ready for your support.

Your love for your daughter is one of the biggest things you can give to her. Miscarriages are such a difficult thing to go through, and your daughter deserves all the support she can get right now (without being overbearing). Never underestimate the power of love, kind and comforting words, and home-cooked treats! 

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