"Just wear black." Isn’t that the most often heard guideline for funeral attire? But that suggestion can muddy the waters when there are different expectations for a memorial service or funeral compared to a celebration of life ceremony.
Jump ahead to these sections:
- The Basics: Attire and Manners for a Memorial Service
- What to Wear if it's a Casual Memorial Service
- What to Wear if it's in a Church, Temple, or Place of Worship
- Proper Memorial Service Attire
What you wear to a funeral isn't always the same as what you'd wear to a memorial or celebration of life. Some modern-day ceremonies might even suggest a dress code. But it’s easy to get confused when you don’t receive explicit instructions for a particular memorial service or celebration.
Read on for ways you can identify the proper dress code for any type of memorial service.
COVID-19 tip: If you're attending or planning a virtual memorial service using a service like GatheringUs, try to wear your normal funeral attire (including the top and bottom half of your body) and follow the advice below. Make sure you put on something you can sit comfortably in for a couple of hours and doesn't look distracting or distorted (e.g. bright colors or busy patterns) on the computer screen.
Post-planning tip: If you are the executor for a deceased loved one, closing accounts and other aspects of handling a loved one's unfinished business can be overwhelming without a way to organize your process. We have a post-loss checklist that will help you ensure that your loved one's family, estate, and other affairs are taken care of.
There’s no hard and fast rule for what kind of attire is appropriate for a memorial service. Outdoor memorial services generally call for more relaxed attire.
A memorial service at a church, temple, or other religious building calls for more traditional funeral attire. Here are some things to keep in mind when considering what to wear to a memorial service:
- Level of formality
- Color and pattern selection
- Appropriate outerwear and accessories
Timing can be a factor when you consider what to wear. Typically, funerals take place within a week or so of a person’s death. Let’s say you plan to attend a memorial service for a person who died only a week ago or less — you can usually predict that the service will be more formal.
On the other hand, the service will probably be a lot more relaxed if you attend a memorial service or celebration of life a month or a year after someone’s death.
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Level of formality
A good rule of thumb for a funeral is that you should never be the best-dressed person at a funeral or memorial service — but you shouldn’t be the worst-dressed person, either. Stick to these four words: somber, simple, subdued, and sophisticated.
Funerals are about paying respect to the dead, not doing anything to stand out from the crowd, or drawing attention to yourself. This is not the time to pull your flashiest outfit out of the closet.
Another good rule of thumb to follow when it comes to dressing for a funeral or memorial service is to be conservative. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing an outfit to church or to an important business meeting, it’s not acceptable for this occasion.
A good rule of thumb for women is to strive for a modest outfit that covers their shoulders, if needed. Makeup and jewelry should be similarly understated.
Men can pair a black or dark-toned suit with a crisp white dress shirt or a darker shirt. Even if you typically skip the tie, it’s a good idea to add a solid black one for a funeral or formal memorial service. Ensure that everything you wear is clean and pressed. Pick something small and classic if you wear cufflinks.
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Color and pattern selection
Guess what? Black isn’t a requirement — other dark tones are absolutely appropriate. Navy blue, dark charcoal gray, and even deep brown are all acceptable shades.
Solids are simple and classic. Avoid pinstripes, patterns, and prints. Don’t forget to pay attention to accessories. Shoes should be polished — not scuffed — and should coordinate with belts or handbags.
Outerwear and accessories
Bring appropriate outerwear if you anticipate bad weather for a graveside burial. Coats and hats should coordinate well with your outfit and be in similarly muted and dark colors. Even umbrellas should be black, not neon orange or pink plaid.
As you can see, it’s important to keep the small details in mind as you get dressed for a funeral or a more formal memorial service.
In some ways, it’s actually easier to dress for a formal memorial service. Wearing all black and dressing nicely for the occasion are very well-established social norms. The idea behind a more casual memorial service can be confusing for some people.
When an obituary or funeral announcement indicates that the service is casual or asks people to “come as you are,” it can throw you for a loop. Remember, the ultimate goal should be to let people mourn a lost friend without putting undue restrictions on the dress code. This might prevent them from coming and rob them of an opportunity to say goodbye.
There are reasons why family members might opt for a more casual memorial service. Many memorial services end up being held in the early evening on a weekday, which means many attendees will have to come straight from work.
Relaxing the dress code allows people to wear work-appropriate outfits. Men might wear khakis and a polo shirt, pants with a button-down shirt and blazer (but no tie), and a lighter color palette.
Women may show up in slacks and a patterned blouse or a dress with a floral print. Some professionals may need to wear suits for work, so they’ll still look nicely dressed for a memorial service. They just won’t necessarily be wearing black or dark colors, nor will they be wearing monochromatic outfits.
Making a memorial service casual also allows people to attend who may not have a formal outfit handy and may not be able to afford one for the occasion. Or maybe the deceased was a sports fanatic and wanted everyone to wear his favorite team jersey and jeans. Whatever the reason for a casual service, just make sure your clothes are as clean and neat-looking as possible.
Celebration of life services have become more popular as a way to honor the dead. These ceremonies are meant to be a joyous tribute to the deceased instead of a somber, sad occasion. They may revolve around a fundraising race to collect money for an organization that the deceased supported. They may include a symbolic gesture like a lantern release. They may even just be an occasion to sit and share positive stories about the deceased.
These ceremonies typically have a less formal dress code. Wearing black may actually be discouraged, as this kind of service is meant to be a happy occasion.
If a memorial service is being held in a church, temple, or another place of worship, odds are the memorial service is a formal one. That means you’ll want to dust off your old suit and pull out your most conservative black dress or slacks — you’ll want to opt for traditional and formal funeral attire.
Is the ceremony being held in a religious venue that you aren’t familiar with? If so, it’s best to research expectations for proper attire ahead of time. For instance, if you’re a non-Muslim woman who attends a Muslim funeral, you should dress according to custom.
This includes loose-fitting clothes that cover most of the body which leaves only your hands and face exposed. Even a conservative knee-length skirt would likely be considered inappropriate. You may also want to bring a headscarf with you in case it turns out that you’re expected to cover your hair.
The best rule of thumb to follow when planning your wardrobe is to accommodate the wishes of the deceased’s family. Pay attention to obituaries and funeral announcements, as they may specify the type of dress that is requested.
You don’t want to show up in a high-end suit if everyone else is wearing kilts or Hawaiian shirts. Conversely, you don’t want to show up in khakis and a polo shirt if everyone else is wearing suits.
In the absence of requests from the family, you can still dress appropriately for the occasion. It just takes a little more thought and care, and you’ll need to pay attention to context clues. Where is the service? If it’s in a place of worship, choose something that is conservative, traditional, and appropriate for a formal memorial service. If the service is held outdoors or in someone’s home, attire will likely be more casual.
Ultimately, you should adhere to the requests of the deceased’s family first and second, pay attention to established traditional cultural norms. As long as you don’t create an egregious fashion faux pas, people may not focus on your attire at all. Their focus is probably going to be mourning the loss of a loved one.
To sum it all up: Don’t dress to impress — dress to blend in. As long as you don’t stand out, you’ll do just fine.